


Don't Let Him Go (just give him a chance to grow)

by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel



Category: Avengers movie - fandom, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Ceiling!Clint, Coulson is Awesome, Crack, Darcy Lewis: scientist wrangler and coffee-appropriator, Darcy has a blog, F/M, Get Together, Social Media, Thor doesn't have an inside voice, Tony is kind of a dick, apology cupcakes, bots, violation of privacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-07-30
Packaged: 2017-11-25 16:47:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel/pseuds/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark was supposed to be charming, erudite, and brilliant, the kind of playboy that made women melt at his jaunty smile. The magazines and blogs were always full of stories and photographs – mostly Avengers stuff, these days, but you still got some photos of him holding wild parties or with women in totally slutty outfits on his arm, or doing some crazy thing that sent the media into an uproar.</p><p>The first time that Darcy ever met him he was wearing sunglasses because he had a hangover, and sitting hunched blearily over half a cup of coffee in the Avenger’s kitchen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ~~So, I don't know if this will ever be finished or not. I wrote the first chapter about six months before the Avengers film came out, and then got stuck. Still, I posted it to my LJ, and people liked it, so I figured I'd post it here, too. Just don't count on any updates, okay?~~
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Okay, so strike that - after I cleaned up this chapter and posted it this morning I ended up thinking about it intensely all day, and I've ended up writing a bit more. So there will be, at least, a second chapter.
> 
> When I started this, there were literally no Darcy Lewis/Tony Stark fics on AO3 at all, which I thought was unfair, because Darcy is awesome, and so is Tony. Hence this fic.
> 
> Also, a couple things in this were borrowed from the Memos From Fury tumblr, to give credit where it is due.
> 
> And please note, this is a little AU from the Avengers film, since I wrote the first chapter of this before the movie came out.

** Chapter One **

Tony Stark was supposed to be charming, erudite, and brilliant, the kind of playboy that made women melt at his jaunty smile. The magazines and blogs were always full of stories and photographs – mostly Avengers stuff, these days, but you still got some photos of him holding wild parties or with women in totally slutty outfits on his arm, or doing some crazy thing that sent the media into an uproar.

The first time that Darcy ever met him he was wearing sunglasses because he had a hangover, and sitting hunched blearily over half a cup of coffee in the Avenger’s kitchen.

Darcy had been sent to get coffee, because she might be a poli-sci major working for an astrophysicist but she was a good assistant where it counted, which was following orders like ‘pass me the thing with the, you know what it is, the _thing_ ,’ and ‘get him _out_ of my lab before he breaks something,’ and most importantly, ‘Darcy, can you get me some more coffee, please?’

As Darcy walked in Stark said something kind of like ‘ _uurghhnoise_ ’ and hunched further over his coffee.

Darcy stared at him.

She’d heard a lot about Tony Stark, of course, who hadn’t, but she hadn’t exactly had a chance to _meet_ him until now. SHIELD kept her away from all the most interesting people, except Thor, and that was only because Darcy had been co-opted for Thor-sitting duty to make sure he didn’t accidentally break any of the lab toys when he was visiting Jane or make the scientists cry (Okay, one scientist. But _still._ )

“Wait, did you just wake up _now_?” Darcy asked incredulously.

Stark cringed, and okay, maybe Darcy had said that kind of loud.

“Because seriously, it’s like, two in the afternoon, who stays in that late? Also, if you drank the last of the coffee, you’re going to have a pissed astrophysicist on your hands.”

“Ugh.” Stark actually raised his head this time, in order to glower at her. “You’re loud. Go away.”

“Whatever,” Darcy told him. “I’m just here to get Dr Foster more coffee, because walking up three floors to get it when has a project going is beneath her or something, like sleeping or eating.”

There was just enough coffee for one cup. Darcy poured out the last of it while Stark watched her balefully.

She couldn’t see his eyes behind the sunglasses, but she could tell. It was the waves of possessive jealousy radiating from him as she walked out with the last cup of coffee.

So, Tony Stark: not nearly as charming as she’d expected, and a lot more scowly and hungover.

Darcy wasn’t impressed.

* * *

The next time Darcy saw him was when he blew past her with a sheet of schematics in one hand, and pushed in front of her to take the elevator just as the doors opened.

“Hey!” Darcy said indignantly, because, hello, _rude,_ and she’d spent the last five minutes waiting for the damn elevator to make its way down from the 30th floor.

Stark turned his head and looked down his nose at her, apparently unused to people calling him out on being a jerk with no manners.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”

His tone of voice suggested that he was about as likely to know her as he would, like, a frog, or slugs or something.

Darcy glared at him.

“I stole the last cup of coffee when you were hungover and you said I was loud. Also, I think Thor’s manners are better than yours, and he’s only just stopped smashing crockery as a sign of appreciation.”

Stark’s eyebrows crept up a tiny bit.

“Uh-huh.” He stared at her. “And you are?”

“Darcy Lewis,” Darcy said grumpily. “I’m Dr Jane Foster’s assistant.”

She couldn’t help noticing that Stark looked a lot more clean-shaven and sort of hot this time, now he wasn’t hungover and rocking the hobo look.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Miss Lewis, but I’m kind of in a hurry, so –”

And the elevator doors shut in Darcy’s face.

“Asshole!” Darcy shouted, hitting the ‘up’ button harder than she needed to, but the doors didn’t open, and the 2nd floor light about the door lit up to show that the elevator was still going up without her.

Darcy glared at the doors.

She was _so_ siccing Thor on him.

* * *

Later that day, she updated the blog.

Darcy had kept a blog for several years now, although in recent months it had kind of devolved into _reasons why the Avengers are not as cool as everyone thinks they are,_ _why working with SHIELD sucks,_ and a whole lot of stories that basically boiled down to stuff like _don’t invite Thor to parties, he will drink all the beer and break all your glasses._

Darcy was pretty sure that Agent Coulson _et al_ kept a close eye on what she wrote, because that was how the Men In Black rolled, and because of the look Coulson had given her the day after she posted that if the Avengers were a movie he should be played by Jason Statham (it was a _compliment_ , honestly.)

But none of the Avengers themselves or anyone Darcy worked with personally seemed to have discovered the blog, so Darcy felt perfectly comfortable being completely honest in what she wrote.

Judging by the several thousand hits she got every day, people appreciated this honesty. Also, the Thor stories.

_ For those of you that ever wondered what Tony Stark’s like in person, he’s a dick, _ Darcy wrote. _Apparently, if he doesn’t want to sleep with you he feels free to be a completely obnoxious asshole. Last time I met him he was hungover and I didn’t want to judge, but trust me, hungover Tony Stark is totally preferable to non-hungover Tony Stark. Hungover Tony Stark doesn’t have the energy or enough ability to articulate to be an asshole._

Darcy followed this up with another one of her Thor stories – today, Thor had used the exclamation ‘ _by Fury’s eye!’_ much to the boss-man’s displeasure and everyone else’s general hilarity – and hit ‘publish.’

* * *

Darcy kind of hated the SHIELD events, a little. She had to come, because Thor always came which meant that Jane came, which meant that Jane wanted back up and Darcy had absolutely no choice about whether she got to come or not. 

The only consolation was the wine, which was plentiful and expensive but completely free, and the fact that Darcy got to ogle the hot guys in suits. She usually found herself a quiet corner alone with her wine, at least until Jane dragged her out to socialise or whatever.

“So,” said a smooth voice by her ear, “I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.”

Darcy jumped and almost spilled her wine. When she turned around, Tony Stark was standing there, wearing his most charming, insincere smile.

“Um,” said Darcy.

“As I recall, I was kind of rude to you,” said Stark.

“You were an asshole,” Darcy said bluntly, because she didn’t believe in politely sugar-coating things.

“Yeah.” Stark’s grin was rakish and debonair and exactly like the totally unsuitable guy in every Regency romance novel Darcy had ever read. That was probably highly significant. “I have to say, convincing Thor to challenge me to a duel to defend your honour was a stroke of brilliance, as acts of highly unusual revenge go.”

Darcy grinned, because that really was one of her better revenges.

Not that this meant that she was feeling any friendlier towards Stark, or anything.

“I thought that maybe an offer to dance would be an appropriate form of apology,” Stark added solemnly, and then gave her a look with his eyes opened very wide, and a hint of mischief in them.

Dammit, that face _was_ kind of charming.

“Fine,” Darcy acquiesced grudgingly. “Let’s dance. But that doesn’t mean I forgive you or anything, and it better be a really good dance, buster.”

“Noted,” said Stark, as Darcy thrust her half-empty glass at the nearest server and stalked out onto the floor.

** o O o **

Stark turned out to be a good dancer. Like, really, _really_ good. And he kept up a flow of amusing remarks the entire time, and okay, when he was like this instead of a complete asshat he was actually really freaking hot.

Darcy tried to pretend that she wasn’t enjoying herself, and glanced across the room at Jane, who appeared to be also enjoying herself, even though Thor danced like a guy whose limbs all had separate ideas on exactly what dance it was they were doing. 

Apparently Jane liked having her feet stomped on. Whatever.

Stark let the conversation drift to a stop. Darcy looked at him.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’ve just spotted someone I promised a dance to earlier,” he said easily. “I really should… do you mind…?”

“No, it’s fine,” said Darcy. He was totally lying, but hey, he lied with style.

Stark raised his eyebrows at her.

“Then thank you, Miss Lewis, for the dance.” He paused a beat. “Any chance I’m forgiven?”

“Maybe,” Darcy said reluctantly, narrowing her eyes at him, because yes he was, but he didn’t need to know that.

Stark grinned at her – _damn_ – all mischief and more appeal than should be allowed in a human being, and actually gave, like, a tiny bow before he went away, and again, _damn._

Darcy sighed, and went to find more wine.

** o O o **

She had just found a new glass of wine and started enjoying it when a curvy blonde in a really short dress who had _clearly_ exceeded her alcohol tolerance wobbled up to her.

“So!” the blonde said loudly, in that _I’m going to compensate for my difficulty speaking by talking really LOUD_ voice of drunk people everywhere. “I saw you dancing with Stark.”

Darcy just sort of nodded.

“He is _fantastic_ in bed,” Drunk Blonde confessed.

“Really,” said Darcy. She wondered why people always seemed to feel the need to tell her these things.

“But boy, is he an asshole,” the blonde finished bitterly. “The next morning was the most humiliating of my life, with him gone and that PA of his looking at me like I’m a five-dollar hooker. Whatever you do don’t sleep with him, honey, because that man is an A-grade dick.”

Which was basically confirmation of everything Darcy thought about Stark, so yeah.

“I hear you, sister.”

Darcy and Drunk Blonde exchanged serious understanding nods, and the blonde woman walked away unsteadily to hit on Captain America, who looked pretty alarmed, the poor guy.

Darcy grinned, because for a national hero Rogers was actually pretty shy and blushing and all-round adorable, which always made it pretty hilarious when a fangirl homed in on him.

“Darcy!” Jane exclaimed, appearing out of nowhere and looking disproportionately relieved, which probably meant that Thor’s Level of Embarrassing had exceeded his Level of Hotness, again, and Jane had decided to quietly escape. 

“Hey,” Darcy greeted her. “Where’s Tall, Blonde and Hot? You guys were really getting down last time I saw you.”

Jane groaned.

“He was offended by the _hors d’oeuvres_ , and I think he’s trying to convince them to bring out something a bit larger.”

“What, like a dozen turkeys or something?” Darcy asked. “Because I’m pretty sure that anything less than that would offend him, too.”

“Honestly, sometimes I wonder how he eats so much,” Jane sighed, looking put-upon, because she was usually the one who had to feed Thor, which was no easy task.

“And then you take a look at those fantastic pecs and abs and think, oh yeah,” Darcy finished for her. 

Jane tried to pretend she didn’t want to laugh, and ended up making a sort of snorting sound, looking away and smiling.

“Come on,” Darcy said bracingly. “Let’s get you some more wine, and then we can go and explain to Thor that you’re _supposed_ to starve at these things, it’s tradition.”

Jane smiled, and let Darcy drag her away.

* * *

_ Hey, internet. Last night was one of the usual SHIELD shindig things where everyone has to dress up and act polite and pretend they’re actually enjoying themselves. Normally I kind of hate those, because I end up in a corner somewhere drinking wine and checking out all the hot guys, but last night wasn’t too bad. _

_ For a start, Thor got really offended by the hors d’oeuvres, because they were all pretty small, and “THE SONS OF ASGARD EAT LIKE KINGS!” apparently, and ‘TO OFFER SUCH A NIGGARDLY MEAL IS AN INSULT TO OUR STRENGTH AND VITALITY!” which is true, because normally Thor eats, like, enough for five people. It costs a lot of money to feed him, but his girlfriend thinks it’s worth it – I mean, have you seen Thor? He’s like a 6’3” wall of muscle and youthful vigor. Women swoon in his presence. _

_ Anyway, we eventually convinced him that the organisers weren’t trying to anger him or imply that he was weak and feeble, that it’s customary to starve your guests at these things because Midgardians suck as hospitality, blah blah, and promised him that on the way home his girlfriend could stop at Kentucky Fried Chicken and get him a few  variety buckets. _

_ The other thing that happened? Tony Stark asked me to dance. No, seriously. You guys remember me telling you all about my revenge on him, right? With Thor challenging him to a duel to defend my honor? Well, apparently he was impressed by my devious ways, or maybe just didn’t want to end up fleeing for his life again, because he apologised to me and asked me to dance. _

_ I’ll say this: Stark is a fabulous dancer. He really is. And when he’s actually making an effort, he is TOTALLY charming. No man should be allowed to have that much charm, it’s unfair. And when he’s cleaned up and wearing a suit? HOT. Like, smokin’. _

_ So. I still think he’s an asshole, but he’s a hot and charming asshole. _

* * *

Darcy kind of liked Agent Coulson. For a government stooge who never let anyone do anything fun and was basically a supernanny who could kill you if given like, five minutes and a spoon, he wasn’t that bad.

Besides, he was supernanny to people like Thor and Stark and Clint Barton, so you kind of had to feel for him. Darcy liked Clint – they both had the same opinion on absolutely everything about SHIELD and the Avengers and the fact that Banner occasionally Hulked out when there was a computer problem, which always meant that shortly afterwards SHIELD had to shell out for new computers, because the Hulk broke _everything_ – but he had this habit of sitting at the top of high things and dropping out of ceilings and threatening to shoot things, and what Fury called ‘ _a distinct lack of goddamn team spirit here, Barton!_ ’

So anyway, when Darcy saw Coulson in the hallway, there was no way she wasn’t going to say hello.

“Yo, Son of Coul,” Darcy greeted him, because she was never, ever letting that one go.

Coulson received it with his usual composure, but Darcy saw the flicker of pained irritation in his eyes. Score.

“ ‘Son of Coul?’” a voice repeated, and Coulson’s irritation was a bit more obvious this time, as he and Darcy both turned to face Tony Stark.

Heh. It served Coulson right. Darcy _still_ hadn’t gotten her iPod back. She’d had to buy a new one, and repurchase half her songs because she’d forgotten to back them up when her old computer died and she had to get a new one.

“Mr Stark,” Coulson acknowledged, not sounding very happy.

“ _‘Son of Coul,’_ ” Stark said again, a little like someone had given him a present. “That’s fabulous. Let me guess: Thor, right?”

“Yup,” Darcy confirmed. “Phil here has a name that’s a little misleading for Norse gods.”

“Phil?” Tony sounded weirdly delighted. “Special Agent _Phil_. Not quite as intimidating as Coulson.”

Coulson was sending Darcy a look that was only a little _how could you why would you do this to me?_ because he saved the _really_ reproachful look for when the Avengers did something he really didn’t approve of, like when Stark and Rogers and Thor got everyone in SHIELD banned from the local bar for life, or the time the Avengers held a mock-wedding to formalise the fact that Coulson was married to his job. (There had been some great cake, and Darcy still had the gilt-edged invitation pinned to her bedroom door, because it made her smirk every time she saw it.)

“Are you seriously telling me you never bothered to look at his SHIELD security pass?” Darcy demanded. “I mean, it’s _right there,_ pinned to his shirt. With his full name on it.”

Stark blinked and looked at it.

“ _Oh my God,_ you _didn’t,_ you really _never bothered to look._ ”

“Well, you know –”

“You actually _never bothered to look,_ ” Darcy insisted, her voice rising, because this was _ridiculous_. “You’ve had this guy working with you for how long now, and you didn’t bother to learn his _name?_ ”

“I know his name, it’s Special Agent Coulson,” Stark defended himself. “And besides, if he wanted me to know, he’d have told me. Right?” Stark looked appealingly at Coulson.

Coulson looked a little like he wanted to laugh.

“Or, you know, you’re just a self-absorbed asshole,” Darcy suggested pointedly.

Stark gave her a hurt look, all big brown eyes and pout, and it was a good thing Darcy was a Woman of Steel or she would have folded like a house of cards.

Instead she gave him a challenging stare, like she’d seen Pepper Potts do when he tried to pull that shit (Pepper Potts was all kinds of awesome, and Darcy wanted to be just like her when she grew up).

“I am hurt, _hurt_ by your baseless insinuations,” Stark said loudly. “Come on, does that sound like me? You know what, don’t answer that, I can see by the look on your face that you would _love_ to answer that with a level of detail that might make me uncomfortable.”

Darcy shook her head.

“You’re kind of insufferable,” she told him.

“But cute, right?” he asked, raising his eyebrows innocently, and _oh my God he was flirting with her._

Darcy narrowed her eyes.

Coulson cleared his throat.

“Miss Lewis, I believe that I should remind you that you are forbidden from tasering any of your fellow SHIELD staff,” he said smoothly, because he was just naturally fantastic.

Stark gave them both a perturbed look.

“She does that?” Stark asked. He seemed to be trying to decide whether this made him less likely to flirt with her, or more.

“We’re trying to break her of the habit,” Coulson said, still deadpan, and damn if he wasn’t the best straight man ever.

Stark thought about that.

“Sounds kinky,” he said earnestly, and okay, now Darcy _did_ want to tase him, until his brain came out his ears or something, and see if it taught him a lesson.

SHIELD’s resident supernanny stepped in before Darcy could take things physical – like, actually stepping in between the two of them and acting like a human shield. Darcy would have to take him down before she could get to Stark, and everyone knew that Coulson was secretly a kind of human terminator. 

Darcy had _heard_ the can-opener story. She wasn’t suicidal.

“Mr Stark,” Coulson said in a tone that said _this is not actually a suggestion no matter how I’m phrasing it,_ “I believe you were on your way elsewhere?”

Stark eyed Darcy for a second, wary but still kind of interested.

“Not really, but I can take a hint. Miss Lewis; nice to see you again, enjoyed the chat, maybe we can discuss your desire to electrocute people in more depth some other time.”

“ _Stark_.” Coulson sent him a mildly stern look.

Stark went.

“You know,” Darcy observed, because it was worth saying, “you’re totally the best straight man ever.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Coulson said, staring straight ahead and not smiling, because a true pro didn’t smile.

Darcy was pretty sure he was smiling on the inside, though.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it had been over a year since I'd written anything for this, but after I posted what I'd written here I ended up thinking about it intensely all day, and the story is once again being written, to my surprise. Enjoy!
> 
> Oh, and guys, the link in Darcy's blog _does not work._ FYI.

** Chapter Two **

Darcy was used to finding people passed out in the labs, as sad as that sounded. But scientists tended to be kind of scary dedicated, at least most of the ones Darcy knew, and when you handed them anything as interesting as the stuff at SHIELD, they tended to get obsessed to the point of overlooking trivial things like sleeping and eating or personal hygiene (that was what coffee, doughnuts and deodorant were for, obviously).

Darcy had never found Stark asleep in any of the SHIELD labs before, though. That was a first.

It took a brief struggle with her more evil impulses, but Darcy elected to wake him up by poking him in the shoulder with a sharp purple fingernail, instead of doing something more dastardly.

“Whuh?” Stark raised his head to look at her with bleary eyes, and Darcy promptly decided not to tell him that the diagram he’d been napping on had left part of an illustration of what was maybe some kind of circuit board printed across his cheek.

Darcy soothed her conscience with the thought that he was bound to find out sooner or later. _Someone_ would tell him eventually – right?

“You fell asleep in the lab,” Darcy said patiently. “And I should warn you that if I find you like this again I will feel morally obliged to draw on your face with magic markers.”

Stark blinked a few times, clearly trying to get his brain to boot up. 

“I appreciate the warning.” Another blink. “Taser Girl. Wait, you’re the astrophysicist wrangler, right? I’m curious: what does that take? Daycare training?”

“Actually, I did a double major in political science,” Darcy told him.

Stark frowned.

“And your minor…?”

“English lit.”

Stark’s expression made it clear what he thought of her answer.

“Hey, not everyone can be a science genius,” Darcy scolded. “And it least it means I never end up with engineering diagrams inked to my face.” Okay, so she couldn’t resist telling him. That’d teach him to be all superior.

“What?” Stark’s eyes widened, and he immediately tried to check out his reflection in the metal bench top. “What diagrams? Where? Are you pranking me, is this a prank?”

“Look up,” Darcy recommended. Stark glanced up, eyes wide with consternation, in time to have his picture taken on Darcy’s phone.

She made her escape while she still could, while Stark’s indignant “ _hey!_ ” followed her out of the lab.

Darcy congratulated herself on another successful scheme.

* * *

_ I’m no stranger to obsessed scientists passing out in the labs and having to be made presentable in the morning by whoever discovers them,  _ Darcy told her readers, _but this is the first time I’ve found an engineering genius playboy superhero with his face stuck to a lab table._

_ Tony Stark, ladies and gentlemen. I’ve even been kind and generous enough to provide a photo here, displaying a perfect example of the panic that follows the realisation that you have diagrams inked to your face. Classy, am i rite? Yeah, I know it’s a bit blurry, but we don’t want anyone trying to steal designs for stuff by copying them off Stark’s face, so you’ll just have to deal. _

_ Also, Iron Abs has been warned that if he falls asleep in the lab again, I will adhere to the long tradition of drawing on the face of anyone dumb enough to fall asleep in a public place. That is all. _

* * *

“What do you think of Stark?” Darcy asked Jane. Jane didn’t reply, enthralled by SCIENCE, so Darcy waved a hand in front of her face. “Hey, Ms Absent-Minded Professor, I’m talking to you.”

Jane looked up, distracted from her own little world.

“What?”

“I said, what do you think of Stark?” Darcy repeated. “You know, genius, inventor, guy that owns this building?”

Jane frowned for a moment in thought.

“I’m not really that knowledgeable in his area of expertise, so I can’t really say.”

Darcy rolled her eyes. 

“That’s not what I meant, doofus. Like, what do you think of him as a person?”

“Oh. I guess I think he’s… a little skeevy?” Jane suggested, pensively. “I mean, brilliant engineer, but…”

“Kind of a dick, right?” Darcy finished for her. Jane shrugged.

“Maybe a bit. And I mean, the goatee doesn’t help, it’s like, is he someone’s evil parallel-universe double?” 

Jane went back to her work while Darcy laughed.

* * *

Darcy was pretty sure she wasn’t overrating herself when she considered herself to be attractive, intelligent, and generally fun to hang around with. That was a pretty desirable package, right? Especially considering her rack, which, no lie, had been the envy of other girls since Darcy was about fourteen. 

So it came as a horrible shock to find out her boyfriend of four months was actually a faithless, two-faced son-of-a-bitch who was screwing the blonde chick who lived downstairs from his apartment.

Darcy dealt with it like a boss, obviously, but she spent the next couple of days feeling like a woman spurned, and after Jane made a totally oblivious comment (that really shouldn’t have affected Darcy at all, but totally did), she snuck into the stairwell to bawl quietly, because no one ever used the stairs as long as the lifts were working, and if you cried in the women’s toilets you ended up with concerned female agents breaking down the door to find out what was wrong. And right now, what Darcy wanted was some privacy so she could cry in peace.

Of course, with Darcy’s luck, she was curled up on a stair sobbing her heart out when she heard footsteps. They slowed a little as whoever it was heard her crying, but whoever it was kept walking up the stairs, until they were close. Darcy just kept her eyes shut and didn’t look up, on the grounds that if she pretended that there was nobody there, maybe the person would go away.

“Hey,” said a – embarrassingly familiar – voice. “You look like you could use one of these.” There was an expectant pause as the speaker failed to leave, which figured.

Darcy sniffled, tried to stop crying, and resigned herself to acknowledging that she was not alone.

When Darcy blinked up, there was a handkerchief being waved in her field of vision. Darcy accepted it with as much dignity as was possible under the circumstances.

Someone folded themselves down and sat next to her on the step as Darcy blew her nose and got herself more or less under control.

“Want to talk about it?” the voice offered, when Darcy had finally quit crying outright.

Darcy sniffed defiantly.

“My boyfriend was a jerk. We broke up,” she said succinctly. A sob escaped, and she controlled her breathing ruthlessly.

“Did you tase him?” the voice inquired, sounding interested.

Darcy huffed.

“You bet your ass I tased him. Asshat.”

“See, this is why I don’t actually _date_ people,” Stark confided, as Darcy wiped her eyes. “I’m pretty sure I’d be the one getting tased.”

“You and Pepper Potts dated for a while though, didn’t you?” Darcy asked.

Stark’s mouth twisted in a rueful grimace. 

“Yeah. It didn’t work out.” 

His voice was genuinely regretful. He sounded a little wistful, and kind of sad. 

“I should probably give back your handkerchief,” Darcy said, instead of commenting.

“Keep it,” Stark said, waving it away. “You could probably sell it for a fortune on eBay. Wash it first,” he added as an afterthought.

Darcy snorted.

“ _Ew._ And also, duh.” She looked at the handkerchief more closely. “A monogrammed handkerchief belonging to Tony Stark, though? Think I’ll keep it. I can sell it in my old age with all my other Avengers stuff and live off the profit.”

“A wise financial decision.”

There was a moment’s uncomfortable silence as neither of them knew what to say.

“Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t ask this,” Stark began abruptly, “but seriously, why the stairs? In the movies women all run off to the bathroom to cry, not the stairwell. Has pop culture led me wrong?”

Darcy snorted in spite of herself.

“Here, you only run off to cry in the bathroom if you want all the female SHIELD agents breaking down the cubicle door to find out what’s wrong.”

“Ooh. Awkward.”

Darcy couldn’t help but snicker.

“Yeah, you know Agent Carter?” Stark looked blank. “You know, the blonde agent Captain Tightpants keeps giving sad, yearning looks when he thinks no one’s looking.”

It was Stark who snorted this time.

“Captain Tightpants? Please, tell me you call him that to his face.”

“Hell no,” Darcy retorted. “I call him Captain Rogers and ogle his fine ass. Um. Don’t tell him I said that.” 

Stark was shaking with laughter. 

“Anyway, Agent Carter, blonde lady who reminds Cap of his lost love, the first time she met Captain America he apparently had some kind of nervous breakdown, on account of how much she looks like his old girlfriend, or something – anyway, Agent Carter was devastated that she’d upset him and ended up crying in the bathroom, as you do. She locked herself in a cubicle and wouldn’t come out, so instead of leaving her alone her colleagues broke the door down. Morale of the story: don’t cry in the bathroom.”

Darcy had to admit, it was actually a pretty funny story, although not for Agent Carter, who ended up even more mortified than she’d started out.

“Anyway, I should probably get back to the lab before Jane wonders where I’ve gone.” Darcy started to stand up, and for a second Stark’s eyes zeroed in on her chest as her boobs went past his face. Darcy decided to let it slide. After all, they were only inches from his face and pretty fantastic boobs. “Thanks for, you know...” She shrugged.

“It’s cool.” Stark waved thanks away dismissively. “Lady in distress. And call me Tony.”

“Right.” Darcy wiped at her face some more and tried to look less like she’d been secretly crying in the stairwell. “See you, Tony.”

“You too, Taser Girl!” He called after her.

* * *

Okay, so maybe the next time Darcy saw Tony, the dickishness wasn’t on his part, exactly. But in her defence, she totally had reasons.

It was a couple of weeks later, and Darcy stood in the foyer of SHIELD’s R&D level, completely still, her gaze trained on the elevators, waiting for her unsuspecting prey.

As she watched the light above the elevator doors lit up, and Darcy readied herself. The doors opened, and out walked Tony Stark.

Darcy paused for a moment in consideration, because she’d actually been expecting one of the R&D clowns who’d insulted her yesterday, but what the hell. She shot him right between the eyes. 

Tony reeled back, cursing. The air vent Darcy was standing under cackled quietly.

“ _What the f–_ _is that a Nerf gun?_ ” Tony demanded, looking disoriented. His accusing glare was slightly to Darcy’s left.

Probably not a good sign. Maybe she should take him to Medical after this, although you’d think a guy who spent his time fighting super-villains and being thrown through walls and shit would be a lot more resilient against being shot at with bits of rubberised plastic.

“Yup,” Darcy explained. “I’m working on improving my aim, and then I’m moving onto a Nerf bow. Clint said that if I do a good enough job with that, he’ll teach me how to shoot arrows for reals.”

“Oh, fuck no,” said Tony, looking aghast. “Barton, don’t you dare,” he addressed the air vent. “You will rue, I swear, my revenge will be epic and terrifying and will become a thing of SHIELD legend if you teach this woman to shoot. Also, Pepper. Pepper does not approve of people being shot at.” He frowned at Darcy, his threatening monologue trailing off as he was distracted. “You know, I’m fairly certain there’s not usually two of you.”

“Shit,” said Darcy.

“Better take him to Medical,” Clint advised from the ceiling, sounding suspiciously gleeful at the idea.

“I’m fine,” Tony instantly disagreed – apparently he too thought being subjected to the whims of the Medical staff was its own kind of torture. “Just peachy, 100% fine, in fact I feel great, just a bit, you know, like I was shot with Nerf ammo. Between the eyes.”

Darcy wondered how the hell she was supposed to make a grown man check into the medical wing all by herself, particularly considering she was talking about Tony Stark, who’d rather swoon like a flustered damsel than admit he needed medical attention.

“I’ll tell Pepper,” she warned. That should work.

“Huh, that’s a lie,” Tony pointed out, jabbing a finger at her. More or less. “You are lying, because if you told Pepper then you’d have to tell her you shot me.”

In response, Darcy just widened her eyes innocently.

“It was totally an accident,” she protested, making her eyes big and guileless, which was really misleading because she was totally full of guile. “I didn’t mean to shoot you, honest. I thought you were Thor. He loves being shot with Nerf weaponry. Apparently being shot at is some sort of Asgardian bonding thing.” Darcy made sure she sounded sad and repentant.

Tony looked at her hard. Clint’s snickers drifted down from the air vent.

“You are an unscrupulous and horrible person.” Tony sounded faintly admiring. “Fine. But only on the condition that I can take a turn shooting Thor later, because that sounds like fun.”

“Deal,” Darcy agreed promptly, and hauled his ass off to Medical.

Tony complained the entire time he was there, and scowled terribly when they tried to keep him for observation.

“Since you’ve compromised my ability to do important and delicate work,” he announced imperiously, “you have to come help me in my workshop, Taser Girl.”

“My _name_ is Darcy,” Darcy grumbled, but didn’t protest. After all, she had to admit it was her fault for shooting him in the first place, and anyway, she was a little curious what went on down in Tony’s magic science lair.

“Taser Girl,” Tony repeated firmly, and turned to the dubious-looking nurses and doctor to begin talking them into letting him out of Medical, on the grounds that Darcy would be present to watch him.

_ Hey, just letting u know i might be helping stark do science, so no freaking out if im gone a while,  _ Darcy texted Jane. _If I dont come back, send search party to starks secret lair aka workshop._

“With me, Taser Girl!” Tony announced, snapping his fingers like she was a wayward dog as he sailed out the door. Darcy rolled her eyes and followed. Dramatic, much?

* * *

Tony’s workshop turned out to be epically cool, not that Darcy was telling him that, because you know, his ego was big enough as it was. But between the holographic displays and the Iron Man suits all over the place, Darcy was secretly impressed. If shooting Tony meant she got to hang out in his workshop where all the cool toys were, she was definitely willing to do that again.

“And this is Dummy,” Tony explained, casually gesturing at what seemed to be a giant mechanical arm with a mind of its own. “There’s a couple of others, You and Butterfingers, but they’re a bit shy.”

“You called your robot Dummy?” Darcy asked, raising an eyebrow. Sure, the other names were weird – clearly, if Tony ever had kids, they had to hope the babymama's commonsense won out – but that one was just mean.

A disembodied voice spoke before Tony could reply.

“As Mr Stark’s first AI, Dummy’s programming is less advanced than that of any of the later AIs, Miss Lewis.”

Darcy grinned at the air around her, hoping she managed to look vaguely at one of the cameras Tony had hidden all over the place.

“Hey, JARVIS.” Darcy had been a fan of JARVIS ever since her first week in the tower, when she’d accidentally broken a fancy lamp on one of the residential levels and JARVIS had promised not to tell anyone. JARVIS was a bro. “How’s it hanging?”

“Non-existentially, Miss Lewis,” JARVIS replied without missing a beat.

Darcy heard Tony snort at the same moment she did.

“Engaging in witty banter with my AI, Taser Girl?” Tony started flicking his fingers at one of the holographic displays, and it went through a whole lot of different 3D diagrams faster than Darcy could follow. “An excellent sign in an assistant.”

Darcy watched Tony do more stuff with one of the holograms.

“Sooo, the robots, are they like your minions?”

Tony glanced up for a second, looking preoccupied.

“My inept and clumsy minions, sure. _Dummy!_ _Put_ _the fire extinguisher down!_ ” he suddenly barked, making Darcy jump.

She turned around in time to see Dummy droop and lower the fire extinguisher from where he’d been sneaking up on her with it.

“Dummy, you are well aware that Miss Lewis is _not_ on fire,” JARVIS added sternly.

Darcy gave the robot the side-eye, and he made a sad, pathetic noise and drooped even further, like a scolded dog.

“Not cool, Number Five,” she told him, and caught Tony’s surprised glance out of the corner of her eye. What? That was an awesome movie. “No attacking me with the fire extinguisher.”

“Yeah, see, that’s why he’s called Dummy,” Tony muttered. “He’s not exactly the brightest of the bunch. Do that again, Dummy, and I’m sending you to a community college,” he added more loudly, and Dummy made another mournful noise and wheeled away to the opposite of the workshop.

“My apologies, Miss Lewis,” said JARVIS.

“Yeah, yeah, all that,” Tony agreed absently. “He’s poorly socialised. Oh, and fair warning: he offers you a smoothie, do not drink it.”

“Okay then,” Darcy said warily.

After that, Tony seemed to mostly forget she was there, muttering to himself and to JARVIS as he worked, occasionally shooing Dummy away when the robot tried to ‘help’. 

Another robot peered out from behind a couch, but when Darcy turned to look at it immediately dived back out of sight. Darcy snorted.

“What?” Tony mumbled aloud. “What is this – JARVIS, what idiot was responsible for this ridiculous–” He broke off and waved an accusing finger at part of the hologram he was working on like it offended him.

“That would be you, sir,” JARVIS answered blandly.

Darcy covered her mouth with her hand to muffle her laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, you can thank [this awesome fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/637359) for the fact that there are bots in this story. I read it the other day, and needed to have bots in my own fic. Seriously, guys, Dummy is hilarious. Oh, and I borrowed the line about him being poorly-socialised from there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who's curious, the title of this fic comes from [this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyiZBxUUELw), which I think of in my head as the Tony Stark Song. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but didn't provide a link, so here you go. It works pretty well as a Tony/Pepper song, too, but yeah, it's totally a song about Tony.

** Chapter Three **

_ Hey peeps! Guess what? Last night I got to hang out in the workshop of the billionaire playboy superhero himself, Tony Stark. See, I was kind of practicing my aim with Nerf guns (long story, completely irrelevant) and nailed Tony between the eyes, and so he sort of needed someone to watch him and make sure he didn’t pass or anything, and since I was the one who shot him I got to be his ‘assistant.’ _

_ You know how in the movies, the evil scientists always have an awesome evil lair? Well, Tony’s workshop is kind of the non-evil version of that. It is seriously cool. The tech down there is amazing, and he has a bunch of different models of the Iron Man suit stored there. He even has minions – giant robot arms. One of them tried to spray me with the fire extinguisher, but apparently it does that a lot, it’s not personal. _

_ You know what else? I need some shirts from the  _ International Union of Minions and Henchpeople: Benevolent & Evil _, pronto._

_ Also, I am about to upgrade my weaponry from the easy yet dishonorable Nerf gun to the careful art of the Nerf bow. Anyone out there know where I can get one of those for the lowest price? I’d like to get the purple and orange one if I can, rather than the black and orange one, because the purple one’s bitchin.’  _

* * *

On Thursday Darcy went shopping with Thor, which was always massively entertaining. Darcy also got a tiny kick out of the fact that they were hanging out together on a Thursday, because, you know, _Thor’s day._ It was a little funny.

For being such a big, masculine sort of dude, Thor was surprisingly willing to dispense fashion advice – stuff like, _this gown does not do justice to your shapely form_ , or _such colours dull the natural radiance of your complexion_ – and actually pretty good at it: apparently up on Asgard they believed even the guys should be able to work a colour palette and know good tailoring when they saw it. Which made sense, when you considered what Thor (and Loki) walked around in – few things made a better fashion statement than the armour/cape combo Thor rocked, if the statement you were aiming for was _I am a really hot god who could crush a mortal with one hand, and I wield a giant hammer_ (double-entendre completely intended). On anyone else it would have looked ridiculous, but on Thor it just looked really badass, and also did Darcy mention _hot?_ Because yeah. Jane was a lucky woman.

Thor and Darcy spent the morning mall-trawling, Darcy checking out clothing stores while Thor stopped like every second store to check out something that interested him, which was how by the time they took a break for lunch Thor was carrying three of Darcy’s bags (because no one carried bags better than Thor), a copy of _Just Dance 4_ for Kinect (Darcy was looking forward to seeing that in action, she really was – Thor danced like a particularly joyful train wreck, it was hilarious and also weirdly mesmerising sometimes) and a box with a miniature train set in it. 

Thor. You had to love him.

The two of them had lunch at a small Japanese place. Darcy ordered herself a bowl of teriyaki rice noodles, and five bowls for Thor. The woman at the counter gave Darcy a mildly disbelieving look, gave the Norse god in front of her a once-over, and apparently decided that okay, maybe this was a guy who could put away five bowls. Darcy wondered what kind of look Thor would have gotten if she hadn’t convinced him to wear jeans and a t-shirt today and he’d worn the usual cape-and-armour ensemble instead. As it was, he was still an intimidating wall of muscle.

Somehow, Darcy ended up talking about venturing into Tony’s science lair, which segued into a conversation about the man himself.

“I admit, I found him wearying at our first meeting,” Thor confessed, with a rueful grin. “But he has heart.”

“I know,” Darcy agreed. “After the whole thing with Mark – oh get over it already,” she complained, when Thor’s expression turned thunderous at the mention of her ex-boyfriend. Thunderous. Hah. Okay, enough with the puns. Moving on. 

“I would have had words with him,” Thor said lowly.

“Sure you would,” Darcy said skeptically. _Words_. Yeah right. _Fists_ , more like. “Seriously, I’m over it. He was an asshole anyway. But when I was still upset about it, Tony was actually pretty good about the whole thing.”

“He is a fine brother-in-arms,” Thor declared. “While his ways are strange, I have never doubted his courage, nor his nobility of purpose. For all that he does not speak of his past, I have seen that it burdens him. It is that burden which lends him strength.”

Huh. That was surprisingly deep.

“You’re pretty shrewd for a guy with muscles bigger than my head,” Darcy told him, and Thor chuckled.

“My father, Odin King of Asgard, has always insisted that a king must be a man of wisdom and wit, as well as possessing prowess in battle. Some of his lessons have penetrated my thick skull, slow though I may have been to learn them.”

His face fell into the sad look that Jane called the ‘Loki face,’ which meant that he was thinking about how he’d failed his brother, again. Exasperated, Darcy shoved at one massive bicep with no visible effect.

“Don’t be so down on yourself, dude,” she instructed. This was like the eighth time they’d had this talk. “You’re doing fine. And if you mention Loki, I am walking away and leaving you here by yourself _. I will steal your noodles_.”

“You know me too well,” Thor sighed. He summoned up a smile. “But you are right. Come, let us speak of more uplifting things.”

“Yeah, that reminds me, I promised Tony could shoot you with Nerf arrows,” and the next ten minutes were spent discussing the awesome potential of a Nerf tournament.

* * *

A couple of weeks later Darcy stared up at the camera outside Tony’s workshop with big beseeching eyes, She wasn’t sure if that even worked on an AI, but hey, it was worth a shot.

“Come on, JARVIS,” she pleaded. “I’m not going to touch anything I shouldn’t, I swear! I just want to give the bots these.”

Darcy unfolded one of the t-shirts and held it up, so that the _International Union of Minions and Henchpeople: Benevolent & Evil _logo was clearly visible.

There was a pause.

“Come on,” Darcy coaxed hopefully, “you’ll be watching me the whole time, and I’ll be really careful. I’m sure the bots will love their shirts. Besides, think of Tony’s face! And it’s not like I haven’t been in the workshop _before_.”

The pause was longer this time. Mentally Darcy crossed her fingers.

The door beeped and opened. Darcy whooped and danced through.

“YES! Thanks JARVIS, you’re the best!” she called out. “Hey guys, you down here? Dummy? You? Butterfingers?”

There was a clatter of noise as Dummy rolled across the workshop floor, beeping and waving his arm excitedly. Darcy grinned at the sight. It was kind of adorable.

“Hey buddy, how are you?” Dummy loomed in her face, so she patted him in greeting. There were happy noises in response. “Hey, you know what, I brought you a present.”

Dummy made curious sounds and peered downwards as Darcy held up one of the t-shirts.

“See this, dude? I got one for all you guys because you do such an awesome job helping Tony!”

Dummy plucked the shirt out of Darcy’s hands and waved it for a second, before dropping it on the floor. He brought his fingers together and gently prodded at the logo across Darcy’s chest.

“That’s right,” Darcy agreed, trying not to feel too awkward at being poked in the boob by a curious robot. “I’m wearing one as well. Isn’t it cool?”

Dummy waved his arm around in what looked like enthusiasm, whistling.

“Okay, well if you pick up the shirt you just dropped _on the floor –_ ” Darcy gave him a slightly stern look for that “–I’ll help you put it on somehow, okay?”

There was more excited beeping, and Dummy bent and carefully closed his fingers on the shirt, before rising and offering it to Darcy.

“Good boy.” Using the roll of tape she’d brought with her, Darcy carefully attached the shirt to the blank rectangle of metal on Dummy’s front, where it looked like nothing would get caught or snagged in Dummy’s mechanisms or anything.

When she was done Dummy did a kind of crazy robot dance that involved a lot of jerking and flailing and whistling – was that _Smoke on the Water_? – and zoomed off across the workshop to show his robot buddies.

Darcy grinned as another robot rolled across the floor for a better look, and the end of a robot arm peeked out from its hiding place to examine Dummy’s shirt. 

“Anyone else want a shirt, guys?”

* * *

Tempting though it was to put a video of adorable happy robots in minion tees on her blog, Darcy figured that would be a pretty unforgivable breach of privacy, so she contented herself with just showing Clint, who thought it was funny.

The two of them were eating lunch in the Avengers kitchen along with Rogers when Tony stalked in, glaring at her.

Darcy gave him a carefully-crafted innocent look that made Clint crack a smile.

“Hey, Tony, what’s up?”

“You unionized my robots?” Tony asked flatly, and okay, _not_ the complaint she was expecting, but she could work with it.

“They qualify as _benevolent_ minions, obviously,” Darcy assured him, and Clint snorted into his container of pad thai.

Tony threw his hands in the air in exasperation.

“They refuse to let me remove the damn shirts, and the only one who isn’t wearing one is JARVIS!”

JARVIS took this as his cue to speak up.

“I assure you sir, that if I were capable of doing so, I too would be wearing a shirt.”

“ _Et tu_ , JARVIS?” Tony raised betrayed eyes to the nearest camera. 

Darcy and Clint cracked up.

“I get the feeling I’m missing something,” Rogers said dryly, which only made the two of them laugh harder.

Tony threw Darcy a look that was mostly exasperated and indignant, although Darcy could see a glimmer of humour lurking underneath.

“It’s cool, Cap,” Clint explained, sniggering. “Darce pranked Tony, that’s all.”

“In my defence, your bots really liked the shirts?” Darcy tried.

Tony let out a disgusted huff.

“Fine. They can keep the damn shirts. But,” he jabbed a finger at her accusingly, which seemed to be a thing with him, “no more messing about with my bots, okay? Or swaggering into my workshop, I don’t even know how you got in there–” 

“She used feminine wiles, sir,” JARVIS put in.

Tony paused, his train of thought broken.

“Feminine wiles? JARVIS. Buddy, you’re a bodiless AI. How are feminine wiles going to work on you?”

“Her wiles are especially potent, sir.”

Even Rogers was smiling by now.

“Okay, whatever,” Tony decided. “Feminine wiles, I concede she probably has pretty good feminine wiles, although I am deeply suspicious of your excuse, J. My point, feminine wiles or not, I don’t want her sneaking into my workshop when I’m not in there or messing with my bots, you think you can do that, Taser Girl?”

Darcy thought about that for a minute.

“Does that mean I can sneak into your workshop when you _are_ there? Because watching you work was actually pretty cool, and the robot minions were fabulous.”

Tony blinked at her. Clint snickered into his food, and Darcy elbowed him hard in the side without losing her hopeful and endearing expression.

“Well.” Darcy was pretty sure that Tony was trying not to look pleased and flattered, and to be fair he did a pretty good job of hiding it, but they could all totally tell. “I kind of like to work by myself, but I guess I could use some company now and again. Occasionally.”

“Awesome,” said Darcy, and kicked Clint as hard as she could.

“ _Owww_ ,” Clint whined, although he didn’t quite stop snickering. Rogers looked mildly confused.

“Hey,” Darcy added. “Have you had any lunch? There’s Thai food today. Come on, sit down and eat with us, I have this great story about Black Widow breaking someone’s arm–”

“That’s not actually a good thing,” said Rogers.

“Don’t be a killjoy, Cap,” Tony declared. “Okay, I want to hear this story.”

“Lunch,” Darcy reminded him firmly, pointing at the fridge. Tony rolled his eyes and grumbled, but went to grab a takeout container from the fridge.

“Fine, fine, I’ll eat some lunch. Jesus, you are not the boss of me.”

While he was at the fridge Clint leaned sideways and hissed “ _crush!_ ” into Darcy’s ear triumphantly.

“ _Shut up, I will end you_ ,” Darcy hissed back.

* * *

Okay, so maybe Darcy had a tiny, tiny crush. Just a little. But it was totally understandable, right? Everyone knew Tony was a charming asshole, so you know, when he _wasn’t_ being an asshole all that was left was charm, and that was kind of hard to resist.

The worst part was that most of the time, when Darcy was around, Tony wasn’t even _trying_ to be charming. He was just being himself. His adorkable, brilliant self, and was this how Thor felt about Jane? Because seriously, Darcy had never been particularly attracted to stupid people, obviously, but Tony was an engineering genius and at least a decade older than her and really, what did they have in common? 

Except that somehow, they clicked anyway.

“Goddammit,” Darcy said aloud.

Jane looked up, because for once she wasn’t locked in her usual Science Fugue. This was understandable. If Darcy had spent the night before banging Thor, she probably wouldn’t be able to maintain a Science Fugue either.

“Darcy?” Jane blinked at her with concerned doe eyes. It was weird how sometimes Jane did the scariest crazy eyes Darcy had ever seen, and then other times she was all doe eyes. “Is something wrong?”

“Nope, nothing’s wrong,” Darcy says briskly. “Business as usual, everything’s fine.”

Jane narrowed her eyes.

“It’s personal,” Darcy defended, and glared when Jane looked intrigued. “Go do science.”

“Darcy, tell me what’s going on,” Jane said firmly, and Darcy deflated, because yes, okay, she kind of did need to talk to someone about this, and Jane was pretty much the only person she had around to do girl-talk with.

“I maybe have a crush on Tony Stark. _Maybe_ ,” she added, for the sake of plausible deniability.

Jane’s eyebrows did this thing, like a sceptical dance towards her hairline.

“Stark? Really?” She sounded like was questioning Darcy’s taste. Please, like everyone could date hot Norse gods. 

“What?” Darcy demanded. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Well, nothing,” Jane said reluctantly, in a way that meant there was definitely something, “it’s just, you know – his eyebrows.”

“His eyebrows,” Darcy repeated flatly, doing her best Unimpressed Coulson impression because _seriously?_ That was what Jane chose to focus on?

“Yeah, they’re just so… hairy.”

If anyone in the future ever doubted that Jane was insane, Darcy was totally quoting this conversation.

“You know what, you do not get to judge me,” Darcy decided. “I do not know what is wrong with you. Come on, his _eyebrows?_ ”

Jane just shrugged.

“You are so weird. Forget the eyebrows.” Darcy sighed. “Do you think I should ask him out? I mean, I like him, and I have this crush, but he’s _Tony Stark_.”

Jane looked contemplative.

“You got to see his workshop, right?”

Darcy nodded.

“Yeah, it was amazing. It was kind of like the Batcave, only smaller, and less gothic and depressing.”

Jane nodded wisely, and prepared to dispense sage wisdom.

“Then you should totally hit that,” she advised.

“ _Ugh_.” Darcy threw a scrunched-up memo at her friend and folded over her desk in frustration. “You are so unhelpful, why did I even ask you?”

“What, you said it was amazing,” said Jane.

“It is a good thing Thor likes crazy women who hit him with cars, that’s all I’m saying.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The [International Union of Minions and Henchpeople: Benevolent & Evil ](http://www.minion-union.com/) is a real thing! Well, kind of.
> 
> Also, the orange and purple Nerf bow, is, of course, the [Marvel The Avengers Hawkeye Bow](http://www.hasbro.com/marvel/avengers/en_US/shop/details.cfm?R=1578B620-5056-900B-1066-CF8673C668F9:en_US), which is awesome! I own one!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter, as promised! 
> 
> Also, the links work.

**Chapter Four**

“This is totally why I decided to work at SHIELD,” Darcy said appreciatively, as a topless Captain America did the Walk of Embarrassment past her. It was a little like the Walk of Shame, except that it was caused by having your clothes partially eaten or otherwise damaged by a rogue monster or supervillain, instead of by bad decisions prompted by pitchers of tequila.

Rogers looked a little uncomfortable with Darcy’s comment and the way she was blatantly ogling his pecs and abs, but a work of art like that demanded admiration. He should get used to it.

“I thought it was because you’re Foster’s lab monkey,” Tony remarked, emerging from his armour. Iron Man looked more and more like a Transformer every day. The day the armour suddenly decided it turn into a sweet car, Darcy was going to be the only person in the world who was completely unsurprised.

“Shut up, half-naked superheroes totally factor into my decision-making process.” Darcy gave Tony a slightly speculative look. “You know what, I’ve seen Banner, Thor, and Clint shirtless, and now Rogers, but somehow you always seem to have a shirt on. I’m not meeting my shirtless-superhero quota.”

Tony blinked, and grinned.

“Tough shit, Taser Girl,” he said breezily. “Because you know, this might have escaped you, but life isn’t actually fair.”

“Whatever, you should take a shower,” Darcy told him, her nose wrinkling. Tony was all sweaty, and not in a good way. “You’re starting to reek, dude.”

“You wound me, Lewis, how dare you imply I smell anything less than alluring and manly,” Tony tossed back, sniffing at himself. He grimaced as he got a whiff of _Eau de Stark_. “Although you might have a point. I think I’ll go take the recommended shower.”

“Hygiene is your friend,” Darcy agreed. 

Tony paused, and waggled his eyebrows in a way that looked frankly ridiculous.

“Want to join me?”

“Want me to tell Pepper you asked me that?” Darcy countered.

Tony shrugged philosophically.

“It was worth a try.”

Darcy watched him leave, and didn’t mention the fact that her answer hadn’t actually, completely been a no.

* * *

_ So, you know, maybe Tony Stark isn’t as much of an asshole as I thought he was. It’s weird, because the first few times you meet him you kind of hate him, because he’s obnoxious and rude and wears sunglasses indoors (with coloured lenses!), but after that he kind of grows on you, fungus-like. (Well, that or you hate him forever and ever, but I’m not one of those people.) For all you TV-Tropers out there, he’s pretty much the best real-life example of  _ Jerkass With a Heart of Gold _I’ve ever met – just replace ‘gold’ with ‘arc reactor’ and you’ve got Tony Stark, right there. Once you get past the veneer of obnoxiousness, he’s actually a pretty good guy. Even if he does wear sunglasses indoors._

_ Anyway, I told you guys about Thor buying the miniature train set, right? Yesterday I helped Thor set it up in one of the rec rooms, and it was surprisingly fun. Then Tony walked in and was all like ‘explosions! We must have explosions!’ because that’s practically his life motto. Him and Thor got into an argument over that because Thor was all for explosions, but not with his train set. _

_ So then there was a shopping trip, and Tony bought like five train sets, and then we came back and set them all up in a different rec room, because Avengers Tower is huge and has way too many rec rooms. And then Tony and Thor had a swell time blowing them up a la Gomez Addams, and then Pepper Potts walked in and demanded to know what we were all doing, and we are henceforth banned from exploding miniature trains. Ever. For any reason. So that was how I spent yesterday afternoon, in case you were curious about what I do on weekends. _

_ And also, you know what? Forget everything else I’ve said, Tony Stark is freaking awesome. _

Darcy read that bit over to herself, and nodded in satisfaction.

_ In other news, a few days ago Captain America fell down a well and had to be rescued. That will never not be funny. I’m pretty sure Agent Badass suffered a moment of painful disillusionment. Agent Glasses just went back to the van and laughed until he cried. _

Tony had recounted the story with great relish, and Clint had corroborated, giving the details about Coulson and Sitwell’s reactions. Darcy was convinced it was going to become part of SHIELD’s oral history forever, like the can-opener story or the time Fury punched the Vice-President in the face or that time everyone on this one op was doused with sex pollen and the only one who didn’t screw someone senseless was then not-yet-deputy director Agent Hill, and Robards said it was because she was a frigid lesbian and Hill told him that the term was _asexual_ and if he was going to be a bigoted asshole about it he could at least get her orientation _right._ And then Coulson made him go through the hardcore diversity and sexual harassment training a punishment, because everyone knew Hill and Coulson were bros. 

(Sitwell – who was the official King of Gossip – had told the newbie agents it was because the two of them had bonded over being the only two truly sane people at SHIELD. Someone had asked about Fury, and Sitwell snorted and said, “you think that motherfucker is _sane?_ He wore that fucking leather coat even in the middle of the Afghan desert, for fuck’s sake,” because Sitwell expressed his feelings through profanities.)

Darcy felt a little bad for Steve, because he was never going to live it down. But mostly, she found it hilarious.

* * *

Darcy was in the kitchen eating lunch a couple of hours after writing her latest post when Tony appeared.

“So,” Tony said, leaning in the doorway, his face worryingly neutral, “I read your blog.”

Darcy let out a squeak. _Oh God._

“What?! You read my blog?!”

“Yeah, see, JARVIS tends to monitor the internet for mentions of me in case there’s something I need to deal with, and a blog about the shenanigans of the residents of Avengers Tower was pretty much guaranteed to catch his attention. And, uh, maybe you only wrote a handful of posts that mention me, small mercies, I guess, but, you know, I would have to describe the discovery that someone I consider a friend has been posting intimate details of my personal life online for the world to see as somewhat ‘disheartening.’ ” His expression was still unreadable.

Darcy felt the blood drain from her face even as her eyes widened in horror.

“Oh God. _Oh my God_. Oh Jesus, I didn’t – I mean, I didn’t even – oh, _fuck_.” Tony just waited for her to regain the ability to speak coherent sentences. “It – I just write about everything! It didn’t occur to me – _shit_. I’m _so sorry_ ,” Darcy finished miserably. 

“Yeah, well, don’t do it again,” said Tony, still with the worryingly inscrutable face. “I can take that shit from the rest of the world, but not my friends, Lewis.”

“Right. I’m so sorry,” Darcy said again, and Tony nodded, and left. Darcy slumped over onto the table and let her forehead hit the surface. 

“On a scale of one to six, how badly did I just fuck up, JARVIS?” Darcy said into the table.

“I would have to say somewhere around a six, Miss Lewis.”

“ _Shit._ ” Darcy wanted to cry. “Do you think he’ll forgive me, JARVIS? It didn’t even occur to me I was kind of invading his privacy, you know? I post about everything anyway, and Tony’s always appearing in the media and stuff.”

“There is a difference between the persona that Tony presents to the public, and who he is in private,” said JARVIS. “He does not appreciate any violation of his private life.”

“Yeah.” Darcy sighed morosely. “Getting that vibe, J.”

JARVIS hadn’t answered her question about whether or not Tony would forgive her, and Darcy didn’t ask a second time. She was afraid of what the answer might be.

* * *

Darcy really, really wanted to make sure that Tony understood that her violation of his boundaries hadn’t been intentional. The best way to do this, she decided, was apology cupcakes.

Darcy didn’t cook much, but she was a dab hand at baking if she said so herself, so early the next morning she made a batch of vanilla cupcakes with [red and gold swirled icing](http://cakecentral.com/g/i/1458016/the-clients-little-boy-loves-iron-man-so-we-did-iron-man-colors-swirls-cupcakes-are-a-simple-white-mix/).

“JARVIS,” she asked when the cupcakes were done, “is Tony around, right now?”

“He is in the workshop, at present. May I ask, are the cakes for Master Stark?”

“Yeah.” Darcy bit her lip nervously. “Uh, do you know if there’s someplace I can leave these where he’ll find them, and no one else is likely to eat them?”

The AI was silent for a moment.

“Sir has a private floor, as I’m sure you know. If you wish, I can allow you into the living area. I would suggest leaving the cupcakes on the coffee table near the television.”

“ _Thank you_ ,” Darcy said sincerely. “Really, JARVIS, thanks.”

“It is not a problem, Miss Lewis.”

Darcy had bought a couple of tupperware containers the day before, the right size to house a smallish batch of cupcakes. She carefully placed all the cupcakes in the container, and sealed the lid firmly.

A note was taped to the lid.

_ Dear Tony,  _ Darcy had written, _I’m really sorry about the whole blog thing. I’m used to blogging everything in my life, including the people I deal with, and it never occurred to me that this was kind of a violation of everyone’s privacy until you pointed this out. Plus, you appear on the internet all the time anyway, so I didn’t really understand how this was different until JARVIS explained why. I am seriously sorry, dude, and I promise I won’t do it again. I know that people probably say stuff like that to you all the time, but I mean it. It’s been awesome hanging out with you, and I’d hate to lose that because I was a dumbass. Please accept these cupcakes as an apology. ~Darcy_

Tony’s private floor was pretty awesome, but Darcy kept her looking around to a minimum: she’d already intruded on Tony’s privacy enough, that was the whole point of apologising in the first place. As soon as she’d put the cupcakes down on the coffee table, she left.

The second day, Darcy made [red velvet cupcakes](http://cakecentral.com/g/i/2392236/red-velvet-with-cream-cheese-icing/) decorated with cream cheese icing and red and gold candy flowers. The third day, she was leaving a container of chocolate cupcakes decorated with chocolate icing and candy Iron Man-mask cake decorations when Tony suddenly appeared.

“Oh my God, please, stop with the ‘sorry’ cupcakes,” he exclaimed, and Darcy’s face fell. “No, wait, I mean, I like them just fine, but there’s only so many cupcakes I can eat. I’ve put on like three pounds already, I’m going to have trouble fitting into the suit. No, really, the cupcakes are nice,” he added. “No one’s ever made ‘sorry’ cupcakes for me, before.”

There was an awkward silence.

“I–” Darcy began to apologise again, but Tony held up a hand.

“You’re sorry. I get it. And to be fair, I didn’t exactly sit down and explain that I have a privacy policy inside the Tower, so I probably shouldn’t blame you for not working it out. So, I’m going to take you at your word, and assume that from now on, you won’t post about me on the internet, or talk about me to reporters, or whatever – that anything we do together, or that happens in a private space, is going to stay private. What happens in the Tower, stays in the Tower. Can you do that?”

“I can totally do that,” Darcy agreed, smiling tremulously in her relief. Her eyes were totally not watering with how relieved she was. Nope. Not at all. “Are you sure you don’t want the cupcakes, though? I did chocolate this time, and they’ve got tiny Iron Man masks on them.”

“What, seriously?” Tony asked. “I have to see this. Gimme.”

Darcy passed him the box. Tony looked delighted at the sight of the tiny candy Iron Man masks.

“Have you been taking photos of these?” he asked. “Because the blog, I know, slightly sore topic now, but you could do an Iron Man cupcake special or something. You make excellent cupcakes. Never mind, I’ve been taking photos of them, I’ve been sending the pictures to Pepper and gloating.”

“You want me to do an Iron Man cupcake post?” Darcy asked, a little bewildered. He’d been sending photos of her cupcakes to Pepper Potts?

“Sure. I’ll send you the pictures,” Tony said. He was already taking photos of the chocolate cupcakes on the tiny transparent tablet-thing that might have been a phone, or maybe not.

“Well, okay, I can do that, I guess. I can post the recipes up, too.”

“Great,” Tony said cheerfully. “Hey, you want one? Seeing as you made them.” He offered the container to Darcy, who accepted a cupcake. It was, as she expected, delicious.

“Hey, so,” said Tony, “want to be my unofficial assistant again? I'm working on a thing.” He looked at her inquiringly.

Darcy smiled at him.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “That sounds good.”

* * *

Things more or less went back to normal after that, if you could call living in a tower with superheroes and hanging out with Tony Stark normal. After the FUBAR with Tony, though, Darcy made a point of telling all the Avengers about her blog, and asking them to let her know if there was anything in there that made them feel uncomfortable, so she’d know not to write that sort of stuff again. She hadn’t really written about Dr Banner or Natasha on the blog, and Thor, it turned out, was perfectly happy for her to post _entertaining tales of my explorations of Midgardian civilisation!_ any time she wanted.

“Did you write anything about me?” Rogers asked diffidently, looking embarrassed, as though he felt like asking was presumptuous.

“I did share that story about you falling down the well,” Darcy admitted, making Clint snicker. Rogers, though, mostly looked resigned.

“I guess someone was bound to,” he sighed, and didn’t ask Darcy to take it down. Which was good, because it was one of her most-viewed posts ever, with like a million likes.

“Never post about me. Ever,” said Natasha.

“Can I say that you’re deadly and I once saw you kill an assassin with a stiletto heel?” Darcy suggested, because that really had been a Crowning Moment of Awesome in her life.

Natasha thought about it.

“Fine. Nothing else.”

“Deal.” Darcy gave her a thumbs up. “Nothing but the stiletto story. Gotcha.”

“Feel free to write about me being awesome any time you like,” said Clint.

Darcy would have been happy with the way things were, except that Clint kept teasing her about her thing for Tony, and Jane kept advising her to ask him out, which seriously, godly boyfriend or not, Jane was the last person on the planet qualified to give relationship advice.

But they were both kind of right, so one weekend when Darcy was hanging out with Tony in his workshop and stopping Dummy from covering everything in flame retardant, she spoke up.

“Look, um, I know you’ve got the playboy rep, and all, but I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me.” Tony looked up with eyes round with surprise, and Darcy quickly barrelled on before she lost her nerve. “Like, a date-date, no just a one-night-stand kind of deal. It’s cool if you don’t want to, but I figured I’d ask.”

“I thought I was a dick?” Tony asked carefully, after a second.

“Well, yeah, sometimes,” Darcy agreed, “but you mostly just annoy the shit out of people. I’m pretty sure you’re not the kind of dick who deliberately hurts people. Besides,” she flahed him a grin, “everyone I date is a dick. At least you’re a nice dick.”

“Wow, really, this is so flattering to my ego,” Tony responded dryly. “You realise things would probably end badly, right?”

Darcy shrugged.

“Maybe. But I can deal. Besides, think how awesome it’ll be until then! And who knows, maybe we might even get it right! Because you and me, we’re both pretty awesome.”

“Your optimism is heartening.”

“Come on.” Darcy gave him her most appealing look. “You can at least give it a try.”

“Okay. Fine,” said Tony. He actually looked a little nervous, but like he was trying to hide it. It was adorable, and helped Darcy’s own nerves. “How does dinner sound? I’ll meet you in the garage at seven.”

“Great,” Darcy declared, and on impulse leant forward and kissed Tony on the cheek.

“Down and a little to the right,” he directed shamelessly, because he wa Toyn Stark.

What the hell, why not, she was going to be dating the guy anyway. Darcy obligingly planted one on Tony’s mouth, which took him completely by surprise so that he just looked wide-eyed instead of taking advantage of the situation.

“Later, cutie,” she said cheerfully, and left the workshop with a bounce in her step. 

_Carpe diem._

** END **

** …Coda: **

The day after her date with Tony, Darcy wandered out to the shared kitchen wearing a pair of random sweatpants and one of Tony’s rock band t-shirts. She and Tony had actually been up and awake for a while, but they’d headed down to the workshop instead of getting breakfast because Darcy was totally an enabler, and now Darcy was hungry. She figured she’d make some sandwiches, and bring them back down to the workshop for her and Tony to share.

Jane was already there, sitting clutching a cup of coffee and looking grumpy and bleary-eyed.

“Morning,” Darcy said cheerfully, even though it was after midday.

Jane glared at her.

“Ugh, you two were so _loud!_ All night long! Why couldn’t you have been loud in his room? His room isn’t _right next to mine_.”

Darcy grinned evilly.

“Payback.”

** …okay, really the end, this time. :) **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find alternate versions of Sitwell's "you think that motherfucker is sane?" speech [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/888177/chapters/1747061) because I had too much fun coming up with ideas.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [For Mischief and Science](https://archiveofourown.org/works/850297) by [TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel/pseuds/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel)
  * [Walking like a man, hitting like a hammer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/924291) by [TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel/pseuds/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel)




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